I Didn’t Lose It, I Threw It Away!

Damn skippy. Losing something  implies it was accidental, unintentional and/or that you want it back.  Let me be clear, it was intentional and I don’t want it back. I have officially THROWN AWAY 7% of my body weight, my first (doctor suggested) goal. And I’m going to keep going. I can’t remember when I felt so good in my entire life. I feel like a light suddenly went on and I can see clearly. It isn’t always easy but it is worth it. I enjoy exercising and I occasionally indulge my cravings. I have more energy and play with my kids more, my back pain is gone and thanks to the exercise I have been sleeping better than I have in years. Worth it.

I have refrained from clogging up Facebook feeds with my every trashed pound (nope, I’ll just clog it up with my other random  musings) but I will certainly will share my larger goals with everyone. This was the first, my next is to be the weight I was when I got married, then the weight I was when I met Zippercow. These aren’t at even intervals, but mark pivotal points in my life and I’d like to celebrate them, with you of course!

As I said, it hasn’t been easy. Much like a broken toy you loved dearly, throwing it away still makes you sad because of what it brought to your life.  It is necessary to do, but still sad. I love food. I think about how I will no longer get to make pans of brownies and finish most of it in one evening, or eat a large bag of M&M’s while scrapbooking. I know, it sounds sick but it is what I used to do, it is a past time of mine. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the sentimental fuzzy feelings are just that. Memories do that sometimes, make us feel like it was great and wonderful. It wasn’t. There was a lot of shame, a sense of no control, fatigue, crankiness, back pain, and impending diabetes. Another struggle I have is I don’t feel like anyone is noticing my hard work. Not that I am doing it for others, but I’ll admit that the recognition ignites my resolve to keep going. I remind myself that it is mostly because everyone has seen me at this weight before. I’ve yo-yoed  for years. I’ve been smaller after both of my pregnancies but then gained again so my current physical appearance isn’t anything new to anyone, so I imagine it won’t be truly apparent what is happening for another 10-15 lbs. It’s okay, I can wait. Like I said, I am not doing this for others.

(This is not my heaviest, but what I had gotten back up to before starting our lifestyle change, I cannot believe I am posting this hideous picture. When I meet my next goal I will post a better one, I apologize to you all!)

I would like to thank my wonderful husband for joining me in this journey, because it certainly isn’t easy to stick with it when someone is eating plates full of delicious stuff in front of you. Oh, and congrats to him for throwing away the unwanted weight as well. I’m sure both he and I will reach the weight we were when we got married around the same time, and it makes me feel even closer to him. And because of the shed weight we can actually be closer.

There was something my doctor said to me at my last appointment when I was expressing my frustration with the 1-2lb a week weight loss suggestion that will forever stick with me. “If it really is a life change, what does it matter if it takes a year or even two to lose the weight? If you are doing what you should be doing, it WILL come off.”  We often think of it as a race or a sprint. But he was right. I will be doing this for the REST of my life. Once I get to my goal weight I am not going to be rewarded with bags of chocolates or pans of brownies. This is something I will be doing for life. I’ve finally decided I’m okay with that…because it’s worth it.